I've been here about 6 hours now, with 2 to go until I can leave for the weekend. I've accomplished some things so far today. I've just been assigned a full interactive CD Rom, to be done completely in Flash so it's easily ported to Mac, PC, web, and DVD. It's a whole new thing as far as our company is concerned, so they expect me to be all excited about it being assigned to me. But I'm not. Today I did 3 designs for the user interface for them to either approve or make revisions to. Exciting stuff, I tell you.
But anyway, this entry is already rambling. I guess that's sort of the point, because I'm so bored and it's something to do for a little while, at least.
So, a week or 2 ago I was driving Brice to the airport to go visit one of his exgirlfriends. Now, Brice isn't the type of guy I would normally look up to. He's annoying, messy, pisses off his friends, he's about $65,000 in debt... I could go on, but I won't. The point is that, despite all this stuff, there's a lot of times when I look up to him over anyone else in world.
So, back to the story. We're driving to the airport and I make some rude remark about how he's going to see his exgirlfriend who wants nothing to do with him. It was a bit inappropriate and uncalled for, but on the other hand, that should be expected from me. He went on to say some really nice things about this exgirlfriend and just sort of spilled his guts about it. What he feels is absolutely genuine, and I was stupid to doubt that for even a second. He's completely able to realize his feelings, admit them, and act on them. This is something I've never really been fully capable of. With me, there's a certain amount of shame that goes along with any feeling I have, good or bad. I'm not anxious to admit them or talk about them. Brice is. I respect that about him above anything else. I think he realizes that this particular ex may not feel the same way about him as he does about her, but I also don't think that matters to him.
A few weeks before I drove him to the airport, He spouted off some plans to sell everything he owned and move to San Jose to live with his grandpa. I blew it off at first, because my friends have a tendency to talk big and never act on it. I'm not completely innocent of this either. I can honestly say that I never expected him to follow through with this plan until I walked into his house and saw quite a bit of stuff was missing. It hit me then... he wasn't bullshitting me. He was absolutely going to sell everything he owned, pack some clothes into a suitcase, and move across the country. I mean, it's not the first time he's done that. He's from Alaska originally, and he jumped into a truck at age 18, drove thousands of miles by himself only to arrive in a place he had never even visited before to set up this new life. If you think about it, that's pretty amazing.
So, now he's doing it again. His huge entertainment center and home theater that used to be better than mine was reduced to a little TV and DVD player last time I saw it. Now I think even the DVD player is gone. This guy likes his toys just as much, if not more, than I do, and he's giving it all up to start again. That's fucking awesome.
Ever since I saw that little TV sitting on a coffee table where there used to be piles of stereo equipment, I've been wanting to do nothing but follow in Brice's footsteps. I want to leave Peoria. I've done that before, even when quite a few people didn't expect to me. I stayed away longer than anyone expected me to. I came home for personal reasons which don't apply anymore. So what's stopping me? Yeah, I've joked around and said the thing that's holding me back is a TV set that's too big to carry anywhere. While that may be true, it's no excuse for staying in a city that has nothing to offer me anymore.
I've had this job for almost a year now. I've never really liked it... just different degrees of hate. Sometimes I don't hate it much, most times I hate it a lot. A few months ago, the thing that made my job bareable was a fucking amazing social life. I don't think I ever spent a night at home by myself, and when I did, it was usually planned out in advance, and it was usually exactly what I wanted to be doing that night. Nowadays I think I do it too often. I hope anyone who has made it this far in my overly dull post doesn't mistake this for complaining... I'm not. I don't hate watching TV by myself, although I'd certainly like someone to share it with. I used to have those people, but I lost them somehow.
A good friend of mine was down in the dumps a while back because he sees people he went to school with graduating and getting good jobs. Meanwhile, the chump is working in Chicago. Granted, I was working in downtown Chicago at age 18 (nudge nudge), but now, at 21, I'm back where I started. Yeah, I graduated, and yeah, I make more money now. But I haven't moved on. I haven't grown as much as I would have liked to.
Now, I'm going to toot my own horn for a little while.
Ever since I was a kid, I've loved 2 things: drawing and movies. That's it. I never had hopes and dreams of becoming a fireman or a policeman, or an astronaut, or any of those things kids want to be. I always wanted to be a cartoonist. That changed slightly... in junior high I wanted to be an animator, in high school I wanted to be a comic book artist, and in college I wanted to work in movies. Well, I'm doing none of those things. I'm a fairly talented an resourceful guy, and this job I'm in right now is an insult, really. I want to do something that challenges me, and I want to work with people who are younger than 45, and I want to make something that people will see and like. I'm fully capable of doing that, but not here. Not in Peoria.
It's time for a change. I want to leave, and I want to do my own thing. I want to be like my new fucking hero Brice, or even Wolford. Wolford, dude, you may lot love living where you're living as much as you thought you would, but at least you're doing it. You're my hero too.
Maybe at the end of the summer I can start selling all my possessions and make my way... away. Somewhere. I've spent some time looking at production houses in New York and LA on the internet, and even checked to see how much rent would set me back, out of idle curiousity. FYI- rent in NY and LA is WAY more expensive than Peoria. I just signed on for another year at my apartment, so I was planning on staying until then, but hot damn it, I don't want to. I'm too frustrated all the time here. Even if I fail, I can come back to P-town and beg for my job back, and if all else fails, I can always become a male prostitute or porn star. Or maybe I could even deal drugs. I hear there's good money in that.
Anyone who has made it through this entry without going to the bathroom or losing interest, I applaud you. Oh, and one more thing. I want it to be fairly clear that I'm not depressed about anything contained above. I'm not in a "my life sucks" slump or anything. It's just sort of a "something needs to change" mood... discontent, frustration... nothing a beer and a night out with some friends won't change, for the weekend at least. I just hate my job.
So, plans for the weekend to end this post.... Jamie is coming up to watch some movies. I'm having a hard time figuring out if she's coming up to visit me or Alan. I guess it doesn't matter, except that it does. I don't know what else will be happening. Probably nothing.