Brace yourselves. This will be quite a post.

Well I'll start with the easy stuff. I think I've been so tired because I've been sleeping too much. So, I put my theory to practice last night and went to sleep about 11:30, and woke up less tired than I've been for months. This is despite having one of the worst sleeps I can remember. I woke up about every 20 minutes and had the hardest time getting back to sleep. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Last night was spent looking at the progress on my apartment, then drinking beer and eating pizza at one of my friend's places. Fun stuff.

Now to the harder, more rambling stuff. Here goes.

I have basically 2 social lives. I have one with my "circle", which is pretty big. They're all awesome friends. When I'm bored, I have the choice of about 10 people to call and go over to their place, or them come over to mine, etc. Then of course I have acquaintances, people I know by association, that I hang out with and feel comfortable with. All of these people contribute in my life. They all know what my parents do for a living, where I live, where I grew up, where I went to school and what my major was... all the important parts to my life, they know. And vise versa. It's important for me to know these things and I enjoy learning about them.

My other social life is with my obsession, who we'll call Jill to protect the innocent. I try my best to participate in her life. I ask her question after question about her, her family, friends, school... I visit her at school, I call her, I do everything for her I do for my other friends. I get nothing in return. She probably couldn't tell you where I went to school (some art school in Chicago, she'd say) or what my major was there (something about art?). She thought my dad was a lumberjack (he's a social worker). She has no idea where I live or where I work. These aren't traits I want in a girlfriend, so luckily (luckily?) she's not a girlfriend.

But as a friend, beyond my last paragraph of complaints, I don't really have anything else to complain about. She's there when I need her to be there. She listens to me bitch about things and offers me advice when I need it. She tells me things I don't want to hear, but need to. I just want her to be a part of my life, my OTHER life, my circle of friends. She's never met another one of my friends. Ever. I want her to, and I want to show her where I grew up, and I want her to know the things about me that I know about her.

Is that too much to ask?

Well, these feelings all came a-crashin' down the other night. I asked her to yet another party with my friends, and again, she refused without another thought even though she knows it's important that she meet my friends. So, I ask her to this party and her response is "no, but thanks for the invite". Well, I wasn't happy about it, but I also don't have a reason to get angry. I didn't want to tell her all these feelings, because I don't want to guilt her into doing these things for me. I want her to want to do them, for herself, not for me. So, I simply avoided it. I decided to leave rather than try to be happy about her decision.

She sensed that something was wrong and I explained to her that it was nothing. When she insisted I told her I would email her later with everything she needed to know. I told her what I just told you guys and now she's pissed at me.

Is that my fault? She's telling me my feelings are wrong, but is that possible? Logically I can't be mad at her for not wanting to spend time with my friends. So I'm not, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the way I feel. Am I wrong here?

But at the same time it's not about right and wrong, as she seems to think it is. It's not about whose a better friend, as she thinks it is. It's about me and my feelings about things. That's it. For her to get upset and cancel our plans this weekend because of it is silly. Actually it's more than silly, it's stupid.

Fuckin' girls.

Seriously though... a lot of questions I ask in this journal are rhetoric but I'd love some feedback on this bad boy. Especially you girlies out there.

That's about it for me.