Jaimee is such a fucking bitch.
Why do I have feelings for her? Or, why do I grasp on to them so fucking hard? They're barely existant anymore... not like Missy and Barb. Although I'm sure that I've just simply killed the feelings off rather than they never existed at all. I was hoping that Jaimee would remind me of how it feels to love someone, since I am sure I love her on many levels. I was hoping she'd snap me out of whatever rut I was in. I was hoping to feel, and to love, again.
Plus, it just felt good to be so loved, so praised... worshipped, almost. But then the girl who gave me more compliments in the world has kept telling me how I'm not good enough for her. It hurts, bad. It makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anyone. I probably won't be. I'm not good enough for my friends anymore... how could I ever expect to be good enough for a girl? I'm so stupid sometimes.
About once a week she makes me feel horribly inadequate, and I'm sick and tired of it. She makes me feel not good enough after I've been trying so hard to improve myself. She's as fucked up as I am or more, really. She doesn't know what she wants and she doesn't know when she'll get it. She won't know when she has it.
But niether will I, apparently. I'll think I know what it is, get lead astray, and follow nothingness for too, too long. I'll follow a dream that I should have given up on a long time ago.
I used to believe that I would know the right girl when I met her. This is #3 that I was wrong about, giving me a total of 100% wrong guesses. Which either means I'm not good enough for anyone or am looking in completely the wrong places.
I'd cut off contact with Jaimee and feel no real loss, and that thought makes me sick. How can I be so heartless and cold? I would feel terrible for breaking her heart, but is that really worth all the heartache and pain for both of us? There's a certain jealousy that would go with her dating other guys... is that love? No. What is it? I don't know. Just jealousy? I think it's something more. Jealousy I could use logic to get rid of... I've done it before and I can do it again.
All I know is that her snide comments that obviously apply to me are fucking killing me inside and making me like her less and less and less every day. I don't feel nearly as close to her as I used to, and I blame that on her. She's been pushing me away, even though she's been trying to tell me the exact opposite.
Things suck right now. I've got big decisions to make here, so wish me (myself and I) luck. Time will tell how things work out. For now... I'm not sure. I sent Jaimee a pretty snide email earlier tonight so we'll see how she reacts to it. I'll probably react to her with my avoidance technique.
God, there's so much I want to say about this... I wish I could express myself well enough to explain them all, but hopefully I'll remember the frustration and inadequacy she caused me, and not get into the boat to experience those things again.