A long time ago, but really not long ago at all, I said I'd stop using this blog deal as a place for me to just complain, but I've been doing a whole lot of complaining lately. Which means that when I'm 50 and reading back on this blog to remember what my life was like, it's going to sound like I'm living the world's most boring, complaint filled, empty life. Actually, I've got a pretty full, pretty rich, pretty good life.
I'd be lying if I said this is where I thought I'd be when I was approaching the big 3-0. I mean, in a couple of months I'll be 28. That's weird. It doesn't seem like I'm a 28 year old, or anywhere close. But still, 10 years ago I was a senior in high school and assumed that by 30, I'd have a kid and maybe another on the way, living in the country any maybe making my living with my artistic endeavors. Instead I'm single, childless (obviously), kind of broke sometimes, and I still don't have an iPhone (which makes this about the 8th post I've made so far that mentions my lack of an iPhone).
But still, I have it pretty freaking good. For the first time in a long time, I really feel like things are working out for me the way they're supposed to. I'm doing stuff that I really enjoy doing, and I've got support in the stuff that I never really felt support with before.
Before, I always kind of felt like there was more I could be doing, that big parts of my life just didn't fit in quite right, if that makes sense. Like my world was a big old puzzle, and some of it was together but I was left standing there with a bunch of pieces that were kind of taken out of other people's puzzles and didn't fit in mine.
Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that my life doesn't really fit that ordinary mold. I mean, in sitcom world it goes something like this: College > Job > Married > Kids > Retire. My life has been a little less linear since college, and has included everything from self-employment to unemployment to selling cell phones to appearing on live, national TV to be interviewed.
Now I've finally got that good job which pays my bills and leaves plenty left over, and it's fine for now. But to be 100% honest, I don't see myself doing this until I die or retire. For now it's great. I've got no plans to leave, but I do have plans for bigger and better things.
My life right now has no time for a wife or kids. Well, okay, it has time for a wife but she'd have to be pretty understanding about my hobbies, my alone time, and my delusions of grandeur. The "ordinary life" was a mold that never fit me properly, despite the years and effort I've spent trying to shove myself in there. I'm finally at a place in my life where it's okay that I'm not married, and it's okay that I'll probably be the oldest dad I know, if it ever happens that I become a dad. And I think I will, and I think I'll be a great one, but the eagerness in which I used to approach adulthood and fatherhood is totally gone, and that's perfectly perfect.
I'm content, I'm good, and I'm in no hurry. So far my life has worked out great, and if I stand back and look objectively, I can see that everything has worked out great for me. The things that weren't supposed to work out and would have made me miserable in the long run didn't work out, and while they made me miserable in the short run, they leave the rest of my life wide open. Which is perfect.
Those delusions of grandeur I was talking about before aren't going anywhere, and I'm at a place in my life right now that I can pursue them. I can try stuff out and see if it sticks, and that's a wonderful opportunity for me. It's what I've tried since college, and I've had some wonderful successes and more than a few miserable failures with them. I've got a handful more that I want to try before totally admitting defeat and stopping my quest for that bigger, better thing.
And I've got great friends, a fantastically awesome and supportive family, and the healthiest relationship with a girlfriend I've ever had. I realize it's hard to be supportive of a guy with goals and expectations as ridiculous as mine are sometimes, but everyone in my life right now seems to fit that aforementioned puzzle in some way, and that's a good feeling to have. Losing the extra puzzle pieces along the way kind of sucked, but on the other hand I never would have finished it with all the clutter and the mess they left me with. It still isn't done, but it's closer than it's ever been.
And this is the most personal entry I've made in a long, long time.