Private, private, private.
I'm typing this for posterity's sake, since this is a feeling I want to remember and express, but I'm timid to express it in my journal, for fear of Jaimee seeing it and not reacting the way I'd love her to react.
I'm so happy right now, about everything in my life. It's pretty remarkable actually. Name something, and I'm happy with it. I'm happy I found out about Mullens and Angie lying to me. I'm happy Jaimee broke up with me and said horrible things about my character. I'm happy for everyone and everything. So much that it's scary.
This should be a bad time for me. I should be upset with the way things are going. I should hate sitting at home every night watching TV by myself. But I don't. I love it. I love everything. Why? I think it's because I'm able to step out of myself and realize how little this stuff effects who I am on the inside. I'm a good person no matter what, and that's something that no amount of badness can take away. On the contrary, I can use this for my benefit.
I can use these bad things to make me a better person, in and out. And I will. I think I know how to do that. I think my mood right now demonstrates that better than I can even attempt to put it into words.
But for the really sensitive issue that I didn't want Jaimee reading. I think I need to have some sort of closure on this Missy thing. I don't want to like her. That won't work out for me, but I'm worried I do. I had such a great time with her the other night. She held my hand, and it was great. But, it worries me a lot, since this is a road I'm all to fimiliar with and I don't want to revisit it.
And I feel the same for Jaimee, but I know that won't work out. I also know the Missy thing won't work out, but I'm wondering if I should give it a shot anyway. I don't want her to leave me forever, but I don't want her to be with another guy. This is accurate in both cases.
This is the only part of my life I'm confused about anymore, and it sucks. I just don't know what I want, and I don't know how to get that without giving certain things up. And I don't really want to give them up. This is just hard.