So I've been

So, I've been fairly productive the last few days. Drawing lots of stuff for specialized submissions, trying to get the addresses I'm sending to organized and not doing a good job with it. I really need to clean the apartment, too. Maybe later today, but probably not.

So, my dad and I are going to cut down dead pine trees for money. It sucks because I can't pay rent without doing shit jobs like this. Then on Monday I interview for a part time job as a framer. It will be a good job, but it's the same one Brandon (the guy who got me the interview) had when he was 17.

As a result, I'm feeling totally lame right now. When I was a kid, I was always the one who was going to be a famous artist. I knew it, my parents knew it, everyone I knew knew it. Around age 18, I chickened out on that dream and decided computers were the way to go, because I could get a job. Now, at almost 23, I feel like I made the wrong choice completely.

My heart was never into multimedia stuff. It's impossible to stand out in a field that you don't love. So, I'm going back into illustration slowly but surely to try and take advantage of some talent and do something I actually like doing. But, in the meantime, I have to cut down trees and frame other people's drawings to pay the bills. And borrow money from my dad. Can't forget that.

It seems weird. A year ago I was "accomplished". I mean, I had graduated from college and was working in a job that used my degree. I was 21 and making quite a bit for a guy my age with my education. I never had to worry about money or about paying my bills, or consider selling all my stuff. For the last few months, when the jobs weren't coming in and I was living off my savings and my credit cards, I felt completely retarded for leaving Iona. I felt like I didn't have direction, or a purpose, or a point to doing what I was doing. If all that was true, than I should have stayed where I was and at least gotten a consistent paycheck out of the deal.

But now, with my refound interest in illustration, things are looking up. When I wake up, I have stuff to do. Although I'm not getting paid for it, it's still productive and will help me in the future. I've learned a lot in the past 5 years, but sometimes I wish I could go back to the middle of Senior year and give the illustration thing all I had to give. Oh well. The only thing I can do now is keeping stuggling to pay the bills until some more illustration stuff comes in. And that sucks. But at least it's a destination.