Went to dinner with Wolfie and Brandon and Polk, then to a movie with Wolfie. I won't bore you with the details of those events, since the interesting stuff happened when I got home.
I went to bed around 10:30, then woke up again around 3 AM with horrible stomach cramps that had me doubled over in the fetal position. I tried to ignore them for about half an hour and go back to sleep, but that proved to be nearly impossible. It hurt really, really bad.
So I give in to the pain and head down to the bathroom, where I'm not entirely sure what to expect to spew forth from my body. I am, at this point, quite sure that something will be making a violent exit from a few different orifices.
I sit on the toilet and let out the loudest, most earth shaking fart that has ever escaped my ass, and possibly the loudest fart in the history of the world. Almost instantly, I felt great pressure relieved from my upset belly and figured maybe, possibly, that may be the end of it. It would be a perfect solution for me, really. Just a fart, no messy clean up, and I'd sleep the rest of the night. Before I even finished my thought, I realized I was not done quite yet.
At that exact moment in time, my ass started spewing the nastiest, blackest, gel-like liquid you'll ever see. It looked almost like used oil that comes out of your car. The stench was barely human. I pooped more than I thought was possible, and I can only assume it smelled so bad because I was pooping out food from years ago. As much as I pooped, I don't even think I eat that in a week.
I sat relieved on the toilet for a few seconds, hoping I was done. And I was done. Or at least my lower half. As I felt the puke in my belly rising, I did the fastest and awesomest flush-stand-turn-lift-lid-bend-over-and-open-wide you'll ever have the pleasure of not witnessing. It was perfect timing. Just as I saw my oil-like poo go down the drain, I filled the toilet back up with a light-brown, chunky mixture of hamburger and popcorn. It came from my mouth, nose, eyes, and ear holes, with roughly 90% making it into the bowl and the other 10% spraying directly out of my ears onto the walls and towels and sink that surrounded me. It was almost as if my face exploded, only the bomb was made of puke.
A few minutes of puking and dry-heaving followed, and I stood back up and got a look at myself in the mirror. I was quite a sight to see. I got a Kleenex to blow my nose. The pressure of the blow forced a little more vomit up, which I quickly spewed on my hands and shirt. I then cussed loudly, removed the shirt, and tried again. I had better luck this time, and removed the Kleenex to see popcorn chunks. Even though the ordeal sucked, I do realize how cool it is to force popcorn kernels out my nose.
I tried to go back to sleep, but my nose was stuffed up and the burning in the back of my throat didn't help any. And now I'm trying to decide if I'm sick or just tired. I think I'm just tired.
I did get about an hour of sleep once I went back to bed, and that hour was filled with nightmares about sharks.
Fact: Growing up, it was always very rare to see beer or any alcohol in my fridge. I've seen my dad drink about thrice in my entire life. I have no idea how I turned out like I did.
Memory: Around 11 or 12, I went over to Fuller's to hang out. It was the middle of winter, and we went out to play on the frozen lakes. At one point, we broke through the ice and fell into the water. Normal kids would have gone inside, but we stayed out, playing up a storm, and even taking off our boots to jump on his trampoline. We both ended up violently ill. I missed about a week of school. Fuller made it in the next day, but puked all over and went home early.