I'm looking for a song. It's a good song, but I don't remember the lyrics. I think it's by someone named Livehouse or something similar. It's a slowish song and the singer sounds familiar, but I can't place where's I've heard him. Livehouse gets me now results on Napster, but I really want this song. Anyone who can turn my vague information into a song will get my eternal gratitude. Or at least temporary gratitude.
I woke up this morning and was going through my daily routine, when my phone rings. It's odd that I get a phone call at 7:30, but regardless I run to pick it up. My caller ID says "Private name, Private number". I figure it's a telemarketer, so I answer in a pissed off "Hello?" Here's the conversation.
"What are you doing?"
"umm... nothing...what are YOU doing?"
"I'm just getting dressed."
"Cool.... (insert long silence) Who is this?"
"Who is THIS?"
"No, who is THIS?"
"Oh, ya know what, I have the wrong number *click*"
Last night I went bowling with a few buddies from high school that I don't see very often. I stayed out a little too late and I'm really, really tired this morning. I need Mountain Dew now.
Your Existing Situation
Working to improve his image in the eyes of others in order to obtain their compliance and agreement with his needs and wishes
Your Stress Sources
Feels trapped in a disagreeable situation and powerless to remedy it. Angry and disgruntled as he doubts that he will be able to achieve the goals and frustrated almost to the point of nervous prostration. Wants to get away, feel less restricted, and free to make his own decisions.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow himself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Very exacting in the standards he applies to his choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in his sex life.
Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.
Your Actual Problem
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.
Your Actual Problem #2
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on his resources. A feeling of
powerlessness subjects him to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.
This is freakily accurate, with the exception of the "acute distress" thing. I don't think I get distressed. I get pissed, but that's different. That "stress" thing started out right, but at the end it got weird. I feel unrestricted and free to make my own decisions already.
Well, it's 4:40 which means time for me to leave early. yee haw.
Oh man, I had the weirdest dreams last night. I dreamed that I went away to high school. The weird part is that the people I would be going to school with all looked about 21 or 22, and they were all people in my class in grade school. I was sharing a room with some friends of mine, and (this is a recurring theme in my dreams) the door to our room was like 3 feet tall and 2 feet wide. This isn't nearly big enough for my big screen TV, so we spent the majority of the dream figuring out how to make it fit. We talked to my dad, the "dean" of the school (my grade school principal), and finally I just woke up. We never did get that TV in there. There's weird parts of the dream I don't completely remember. I remember walking down the hall with a girl I used to have a crush on... you know, one of those "3rd grade and I finally like girls" crushes. I've still had some casual contact with her over the years, as a friend of a friend type relationship, but that's not the point. We were talking about whatever we were talking about and all the sudden she kissed me on the cheek and ran away. There are other parts I can remember, but they would just bored you.
So, this weekend... from the top. Friday night I got home and returned the calls on my answering machine. I was invited to go to a friend's apartment because he was making dinner and wanted to offer me some. Plus he didn't have to go to work until 11 that night, so we could hang out a little longer than usual. I also called a girlfriend of mine, but she was in class, so I would call her from my friend's place.
I went over, ate dinner, and about 7:30 I called her back. She said she was going to a bar with her roommates (one of which is the girl I'm infatuated with). I figured this was the best time in the world to test my new found braveness with the opposite sex. The girl I like goes to the bars occasionally, but more often than not she opts to stay home. If we went to the bar, I was going to hit on her and ask her out and stuff. If she opted to stay home, I would offer to keep her company... we could watch a movie or something. I'm a sly dog, no?
Well, if I stuck around his apartment until 11 I would more than likely miss anything going on. So, I explained this to him, he understood, and I left with the understanding that my girlfriend would call me back with the concrete bar plans later that night. I went back to my place, showered, changed, brushed my teeth, etc. I wasn't expecting to go out before 10 or so, so when I hadn't gotten a phone call by 10:30 I wasn't worried. She's reliable. by 11:15 I was getting worried. By midnight I knew she wasn't going to call. Luckily I had made plans with another friend of mine. He was working until 12:30 and they were hitting the bars downtown afterward. He was supposed to call me at 12:45 or 1 and he didn't either. I sat at home and did nothing all night.
The next day I learned that the guy had a wrong number and had been trying to contact me. Okay, no big deal. But the girl was still unexcused. I'm way too proud to call someone saying "why didn't you call me?"... I mean, they said they would call me and they didn't. If there's a reason, it's up to them to explain it to me. It's not up to me to drag it out of them. Well, the guy with the wrong number came to my place and we hung out for a while, and I explained to him my problem with this particular girl. We decided to go to the bars, sans women, so I took him home to get ready. I came back to my place and went online to check my email and when I got off, I had a brand new voicemail. Here it is, verbatim.
"Hi Tim, I like your new message. It's funny. Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't call you last night but I ended up not going to Gorman's anyway. I was tired and had a headache so I went to sleep and turned off my phone. Bryan tells me you're going out tonight again, but once again I'm going to bed early. I'll call you tomorrow because we're all going to the Grinch and I want you to come. So, I'll call you tomorrow."
Bryan tells me he said nothing about me being pissed, but that sounds a lot like an "I know your pissed at me" message. Well, we went out and had a good time at the bars, then we stopped by a horrible, boring, stupid party. It was so weak. We were there like 10 minutes then went home.
So, Sunday I was waiting for a call from that girlfriend. I mean, she ditched me once... she would definitely call, right? I decided what I would do. I would ask her who was going, and if my infatuation was on the list I would go. If not, I would tell her I would meet her there, then not show up. Pretty mature huh? I thought so.
Well, she didn't call. I think it's a little funny, and now I have this great right to be pissed at her for a long time. Something I'm sure I'll do. Stupid her. I just think it's so bizarre how people can be that insincere and unreliable. I would never dream of promising something as simple as a phone call and not delivering. We had made plans and she broke them. That's fine. I don't want her going out if she has a headache or something, but unplugging the phone is not the way to change plans. A simple phone call saying "Tim, I have a headache. I know I said we would go out, but I just don't feel up to it" would have been fine. I could have made other plans and not spent a Friday night sitting around waiting for a phone call.
Ah, but such if life.
So that was my weekend. I won't call that girl again for a long time. I hate being ditched and twice in a weekend is unacceptable by anyone's account. It's now her responsibility to call me and apologize. Right? Right.
I'm leaving for the weekend now, so once I again I won't be posting or replying for a couple of days.
I don't have any big plans for the weekend. I've decided to be a bit more aggressive in this relationship thing, so this weekend may be the time when I do it. Hopefully. Or maybe my nuts will fall off sometime between then and now and I'll do nothing.
Since I didn't go out or do anything eventful last weekend, I really want to go out this weekend. If I don't, I'll be done pissed off.
Have a good weekend all.
I'm really not. I swear. Here's why.
First, I know I'm not very experienced in the relationship field. However, I don't believe this is because other girls have ruined me. I feel like it's my decision, and one that I thought about and decided on. I didn't want to be a playa or playboy or any of that. I feel like if I did that, I'd be cheating myself. I'd be more experienced, but a lot less true to myself. Which one is worse?
Second, I've passed up many opportunities to date girls, amung other things. Here's a few short stories for your reading pleasure.
Story one. A party at a friend's place. It got really big and nuts and one girl who I only knew in passing said she felt sick. Me, knowing exactly how to deal with it, was my usually clever charming self while inviting her to walk around the block with me. The cool air and exercise would do her good, plus vomiting outside is a lot less embarrassing than vomiting on a couch or something. So, as we were walking she asked me "When do you plan on kissing me?", to which I replied that I didn't ever plan on kissing her. Later that night her better friends told me I "could have gotten laid if I played my cards right". Mmmm hmmm....
Story two. This one is short. I was really drunk, too drunk to remember the whole thing. Another party, same apartment. Once I had sobered up a bit, a friend came up to me, saying "Dude, that girl told me she'd sleep with you tonight" then he pointed to some girl. I was like "um... I've never seen or talked to her before in my life", and he said "dude, she was just over here. She was hanging all over you, grabbing your butt and stuff. You talked for like 20 minutes and kept pushing her away when she tried to kiss you". Well, I didn't remember any of that... still don't, but I'll take his word for it.
Story three. Different apartment, different party. A girl I knew, in passing again, came. She brought one of her friends. I said hi and hugged the one I knew, but was only going to shake the hand of the one I didn't know. Instead she leapt forward and shoved her tongue down my throat. It took me a little longer to push her away, but I finally did it. She did it a few more times through the course of the night.
So, as you can see (hopefully) this inexperience is kind of self-inflicted, but that's how things should be for me, I think. I could have slept with different girls on more than one occasion, and this is without even trying. Think if I was putting any effort into this....
Plus I have an awesome car that goes fast. I have a good job, making quite a bit compared to the average 21 year old. I have my own place, a big screen TV, a whole bunch of speakers, a DVD player, a kick ass remote control, man, I'm quite a catch.
I do wish I could be more of a guy though. I just don't have it in me. In fact, if a girl wanted to date me and cited any of the above reasons, I probably wouldn't date her. That would make her shallow.
So, should I throw away everything I've ever believed and just date for the sake of having a date? Sometimes I think I should. I mean, this "waiting for the right girl" isn't working, and that's making me bitter. I don't hate girls yet, but I'm coming close. I just don't want to be "alone" anymore. I put the quotes there, because I don't consider myself alone and certainly not lonely. It's just a better word than single. Single is a good word, and I don't consider what I am right now good anymore. Does that make sense?
But I'm not pathetic. I'm not.
Last night marked the 6th night in a row I had a visitor fall asleep on my couch.
I got home, called my "messy" friend, and we went to dinner. I dropped him off after dinner since he works 3rd shift and wanted a nap before work. I went home, made a phone call or 2, and in a matter of minutes I was headed over to another friend's house to pick her up.
She was in the middle of Friends, so I was forced to sit there and watch the end of it. That was okay with me, since the only empty seat was next to that girl I'm "infatuated" with. After Friends, we went to buy me a fake Christmas tree and ornaments. On the way I told her how much I hated it when one friend in particular sprinted for my phone, fell asleep on my couch, took over my remote, etc. etc. etc.
So, we get back to my place and I start setting up my fake tree. The other obnoxious friend, the one I had been complaining about, showed up. First he started making fun of my tree, saying it looked stupid and fake. Then he ate my food, then he was generally obnoxious. I had my TV tuned into one of those music channels... ya know, the commercial free ones that you get with any extra cable plan. Well, I guess this wasn't to his liking, so he grabbed my remote and I yelled at him, telling him that I was listening to it. Then he fell asleep on my couch. Meanwhile my other friend was apologizing and promising me they would get out of my hair ASAP.
They left, and I went to sleep. I was dead to the world the second my head hit the pillow, which is odd for me. I also didn't wake up during the night, and I woke up to my alarm rather than by myself. Those things never happen.
I was still dead ass tired this morning. In the shower I found myself just standing there, not moving or doing anything for like minutes at a time.
That was my night. Obnoxious Man has informed me that he won't be able to do anything this weekend. Damn. I was really disappointed when I heard.
And by disappointed, I mean happy.
My next post will be #3 on "Why Tim isn't as Pathetic as Everyone Thinks"
In reading that post of mine, I realized I made myself sound relatively pathetic. Hopefully that's not the case.
I do consider myself relatively unexperienced in both the relationship and physical world. I like to say this is because I'm picky as to who I choose to date. Hopefully this is true.
The first girl I dated (and kissed) was when I was 15. I liked her for no reason than she liked me. I dumped her because another girl liked me. I dated her for a while, but she was very clingy. I was 16 and wanted to goof off with my friends, and she didn't want me to do that. I dumped her. This is the girl that later in my life, at 18, I decided I wanted to be with. I was wrong and that turned out... well, not so well.
The 3rd girl I dated was stupid. Not the girl, but the circumstance. I dated her for no reason, other than that she would date me back. I figured that "liking" part would come later. It never did. I dumped her too.
Do the math, and see that I've never been dumped. Go me.
More math though will reveal to you my lack of inexperience, as told of earlier.
I never even ended up kissing the 3rd girl I dated. It just never felt right with her. I've kissed 4 girls in my life. The first 2 girls I dated and 2 other random girls at random parties that got drunk and decided it was a good idea to ram their tongues down my throat. I usually cut these off as soon as I could, never getting carried away, despite how drunk I was.
So now you're starting to think that I'm very inexperienced, right? As in... like an 8 year old or something? Close, but no. I wanted (note the past tense) to have the loss of my virginity mean something. Not necessarily wait until marriage, but have it be special, and good. Unfortunately that's not how things worked out. It was a bad, uncomfortable experience that really changed a lot of things in my head, for the worse. I'll let you use your imaginations as to who the lucky lady was.
Nowadays I wouldn't have the slightest idea as to how to ask a girl out or kiss her for the first time, much less do anything else that people usually do in dating. Sad, huh?
And to think, this was supposed to make me out as not-pathetic.
Some of you (okay, just one of you) expressed some concern about me not typing about Jill/Julie as of late. So what happened to her? Did she die or did I simply wise-up? I simply wised (wose?) up.
The question was followed closely by why I put up with this crap from girls. Yet another good question. I'll field both of them here, at the same time no less, for everyone concerned.
First, it's happened twice, count 'em, twice, that I've run into a girl I considered to be more than a friend. That is, a girl I would want to date. That's right. 21 years old, and I've found only 2 girls I would want to date. I've dated 3 girls, and only 1 of them was on my "I can see myself dating this girl" list, and while we were dating, she wasn't even on the list. Ah, but that's a completely different story.
So, it's very rare that I actually like a girl enough to date her. When it happens, I think of it as proof that I MUST be right here. I mean, I wait around, refuse offers from other girls, waiting for the special one. I'm friends with tons of girls I would never consider dating, so when I run into a girl I WOULD date, how can I be wrong? It MUST be the right girl. Well, the first girl this happened with turned out to play me like a fool for months. It was the worst experience of my life and made me bitter about the whole dating thing. I still have contact with this girl, although not pleasant contact by any means. She messed me up for a long time, and made me very timid about entering another relationship-type-thing.
Then along comes Jill/Julie. I felt so strongly about her... not quite as much as I did about the other girl, but close. I thought... here's my chance to redeem myself. Here's my chance to prove I'm NOT messed up, and I can like a normal girl who will like me back. Well, that didn't work out either. I drug it out longer than I needed to, because I really wanted it to work out. Not necessarily for the relationship, but for my own sanity, I think. I wanted to be right, and have a correct feeling. Well, it didn't work out either. I don't know how I can consistently get the wrong feelings about things like this.
So, I finally came to terms with the Julie/Jill thing. She sort of had feelings for me, but my timidness (from the other girl) kept things from happening. When I stopped hesitating, I had missed my window and that was that. At least in her mind, and it took a little while longer to get out of my head as well.
So, that answers why I take shit from girls I like. Because I don't like many girls, and when I do, I want so desperately for things to work out that when they don't, I keep trying until finally I'm humiliated and stop talking to whoever it was I lingered on for too long.
And there's what happened to Julie/Jill. I just cut off contact. I saw and talked to her so much because I called her and emailed her a lot. I would go down to visit her and go out of my way to talk to her on the phone or on IM. I don't do that anymore, and luckily (luckily?) she doesn't like me enough to call me or write me emails. So, when I stopped trying to contact her, she simply vanished. She did email me once since the party, but it was a fluffy email with no real content, so it's hardly worth mentioning.
As for liking girls that I don't think will like me back... Well, I don't necessarily do that on purpose. It's just been coincidence (I hope) that 100% of the time that's how it's worked out. I can't ruin the streak now, so I'm on a quest for the next girl I'll like who will want nothing to do with me. It's kind of a joke, but it has some truth to it. Any volunteers? Let me know.
So that's about it. Any other questions about my lovelife or lack thereof? My life is an open book.
Last night marked the 5th night in a row that someone fell asleep on my couch.
Ready for the next edition of "Things that piss me off that shouldn't?". Here we go.
Last night a friend of mine stopped by. He ate my food. Leftovers, from my fridge, and tried to tell me I made it wrong. He wanted to borrow my phone to make plans with someone else (which is rude in it's own right) and said "gimme the phone" instead of "can I use your phone?" Then he fell asleep on my couch, which I HATE so much. So, I just went to my room and was doing things online when he finally woke up, and then he told me I was being boring. So he left. God this is pissing me off. I'm gonna have to do some yellingif this is going to stop. I hate yelling, but I also hate getting pissed off about these little things I know shouldn't piss me off. But such is life, right?
I tried to get to sleep early last night. It didn't work. I went to bed somewhere around 10:30, and laid there for like 2 hours. I thought I was tired, but I guess not. Then a party started right above me and I woke up. Luckily it wasn't a loud party and they were playing some cool music, so it put me right back to sleep. Except everytime I went back to sleep, someone upstairs yelled really loud and woke me back up. I probably got a total of 5 hours last night, and I spent 9 hours in my bed.
Rumor has it that a party is going on tonight to celebrate the end of finals for the college people. I may have to put in a guest appearance...