Computer fixed, because I am a genius.
You heard me. Before this blasted thing was crashing every time I tried to do anything even slightly processor intensive. With a freelancing job, pretty much everything I do is processor intensive.
I figured it was an overheating problem so I went in today and spent $60 buying more fans for it. I'm up to 4 now, and my computer is really loud. I've spent the last 20 minutes or so trying to crash it and failing miserably. Hopefully this little problem is solved.
And now it's back to work.