Fire Water Burn.

For the first time in a long time, I'm mopey today. Not sad, necessarily. Not depressed. Just kind of "blah" and "mopey", and a little frustrated, I guess. I only halfway know what's wrong, and I'm even more pissed off at myself for not being able to talk my way out of it like I usually am. Nope. Still mopey.

Here's a short list of things that could do a good job cheering me up right now: Hoops pizza, splitting 3 pitchers of beer with my dawg Polk, hot wings, thunderstorms, a comfortable chair and mindless slasher movie, cuddling on the couch, my dog, an amusement park, winning some more money, a long night's sleep, and making out.

On a related note, getting older is for chumps. Seriously. Deep down, I realize that's the source of my moodiness today. I turn 26 soon, which is the last year I'll be able to claim mid-20's. Then comes late 20's. Shit, 30 is just around the corner.

It's not just a number or an age that has me down. It's changes in people's personalities, or sometimes lack of changes in their personality. I see people in a much different place in their lives that I am. That's not a bad thing, but it does make things a lot more difficult than a few years ago and we were all in the same place.

Let's go back 4 years. I was living with 2 other guys in the sweetest apartment in the world in right next to a college. All my friends were in school, and I was self-employed and didn't have a lot to do. All my friends were interested in hanging out all the time, drinking beer constantly, getting pizza delivered, and anything that involved having a good time. Responsibilities? Well, they'd still be there tomorrow, so let's have a beer! It was fantastic. In these past 4 years, some of the people involved in my life back then have gotten married. Some have gotten married and had babies. Some are in the exact same mindset they were back then. And I'm somewhere in the middle.

It's a hard position to be in, since I can't stay out until 4AM anymore, even on weekends, unless I pump myself up for it and take a nap. I'm up early every day, even on weekends, and I feel like I can't waste a whole Saturday anymore being hungover, since I have bills to pay and a lawn to mow and laundry to clean and a dog to feed and walk and yadda yadda yadda. But I also don't have a wife or kid to stay at home with. So nights like last night when I really didn't want to stay in my house all night, I felt like I didn't have a choice. It was a work night, so I couldn't wait until someone got off work at 11, then go down and have a few drinks with them. But I'm also not going to intrude on my married friend's dinners, and I'm certainly not going to call my friends who are also fathers. They're definitely too busy.

So I'm kind of in this annoying place where I have to wait patiently by the phone for my married/engaged/father friends to call and let me know when they have a free night so I can actually hang out with them. They're not calling because they've got better things to do with their families/significant others. My drinker/partier friends don't bother with the invitations anymore because I've rejected them one too many times, and, truth be told, I'd probably opt out of their plans on a work night anyway. They certainly don't call during the week, but sometimes they'll throw me a bone during the weekend.

Anyway, most of the time none of this bothers me, because it all makes complete sense in my noggin. I can't be mad at anyone, but nights like last night when I sat there trying to figure out who to call, I kind of annoyed myself with my patheticness. I guess I kind of put my eggs in one basket and assumed I'd be one of those married guys who, at the very least, had a wife at home to spend time with. Instead I've been spending a lot of time by myself.

This has gotten longer than I intended. Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow. I hate being mopey. Especially when I know its my own darn fault.

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