Last night was
Last night was Wednesday, which means $3/lb. at Garner's. It was also Ash Wednesday, which means my Catholic friends couldn't get Garner's, unless we got a cheese pizza for them. So, we did. Me and Fabish talked about getting a dog. I may skip my art class tonight to drive and pick one up. His sister is a vet student at U of I, so we'd have to drive down there, but she has a great dog for us. An Australian Shepherd, whatever that is. We got Garner's delivered to my place, and watched Temptation Island and whatever else was on. After they left I dicked around on the internet for quite a long time, for lack of anything else to do. I had slept in quite a bit yesterday, so I wasn't very tired at my usual bed time. For me, that's always a bad thing. Especially last night.
As I've mentioned before, I take blame for pretty much everything in life. Anytime anything goes wrong, it's always my fault. Always. I can never say the right thing, and people never understand what I mean when I say anything. I was feeling it especially hard last night, and kept thinking about it as I tried, unsuccessfully, to get to sleep.
As per usual, I didn't come to any conclusion about anything in my life. I never used to like the person I was, and I took all these pretty drastic steps to get myself into a position where I could be proud of myself, and secure in myself. But occasionally I meet someone to can show me how messed up I really am. I still have a lot of improving to do, and I don't know how to do it, or even exactly what the problem is. "That's just the way I am" is never an excuse I would even consider using. It's a bullshit excuse. I didn't used to be this way. I can go back. And I will. Someday.
My life is such a straight line. There's no valleys, but there's also no peaks. Lately there's been lots of valleys, but never any peaks. So, how do I get the peaks? I thought I knew the answer, way back when. I thought my life was missing something that I was incapable of getting. Now it seems I have it, and it's not helping. In a way, it's making things worse. But maybe things need to get worse before they can get better.
The emotions I'm used to feeling aren't good ones. They're about the worst ones you can imagine. But at least I know how to deal with them. I have a lot of practice, and they don't effect me much. But, the more I think about it, the more scary that gets. Why don't I have more experience in dealing with the good parts of life? And what do I need to do to get that experience? And whose going to put up with me when I'm doing it all wrong?
I don't even know anything these days. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where others are going, I don't know where my relationships are going, I don't know what I can and can't deal with in a relationship, or what they can or can't deal with me. I don't know if I should make all decisions for myself or if I should make them with others in my mind. Of course, that point is moot, since I don't even know what I want.
I really can't do anything right these days. For a long time, I was the one who could do no wrong. I was the person people would come to for advice, the person who would handle all situations exactly right. Now I'm exactly the opposite of that.
These years of killing my emotions with logic are coming back to haunt me. While I was living in Chicago, I had to live without emotion. That was the only way I could have gotten through that. I don't blame myself for doing it, but I do regret it now. But then again, how messed up would I be right now if I had cried myself to sleep every night for 2 years?
I hate thinking this much about things like this, but I can't stop that either. I know I did something wrong, and I don't know exactly what it was. My solution was to just shut up and leave it alone, but I'm pretty sure that was wrong too. I just don't know what to do.