Signs sucks.

Yeah, so, Signs is a terrible movie. I'm really glad I just downloaded it rather than actually paying to see it.

I hate M. Night Shyamalan with every fiber of my being. He's terrible. Okay, the 6th Sense was a great movie. Fantastic. I loved it. I still love it. Unbreakable was okay. On a good day, Unbreakable was pretty good. I liked it a lot less only because it was really, really similar to the 6th Sense. Kind of dark. Very monotonous dialogue. Lots of "just set the camera down for 45 minutes" type of direction. Awkward conversations between characters.

From here on out there's gonna be lots of spoilers for Signs, so if you want to see it, skip this post. If you don't want to see it (which I recommend), read on.

Similarities: Bruce in 6th Sense. Lost his passion for his job after a New Kid shot himself in his bathroom. Bruce in Unbreakable. Never had passion for his job. Had to take it because of an injurt. Mel in Signs. Lost passion for his job when his wife died.

Bruce in 6th Sense. Estranged from his wife because he was dead. Bruce in UB. Estranged because he's a loser. Mel in Signs. Estranged because she's dead.

Always with the fucking little kids. Hey, Night, write a movie that doesn't rely on interaction between a big Hollywood star and an unknown little kid.

Everything is always so sad. All the time. The "funny" bits are never really that funny. They only seem funny because after watching depressing, drawn out nonsense for 2 hours people are dying to laugh. The characters are always the same character. They never have personality. There's always a ridiculous amount of flashbacks in every M. Night movie. Stop it with the flashbacks. We don't care.

And the twist ending. I didn't see the end of 6th Sense coming. Unbreakable, I predicted. Signs, I didn't predict. That's because the twist ending of Signs was terrible, contrived, and fucking lame.

So, to start up with the big spoilers. Aliens land on Earth. You never really see them too well. Mel and his family lock themselves in their basement while the aliens "attack". They're in there overnight, and when they come back out, the "war" between humans and aliens is over, for some reason that they never really explain. Humans win. Somehow.

Anyway, so the last "twist" was that 1 alien is left over. He takes Mel Gibson's son and there's a big long "climax" where Mel and his brother have to kill him. So, you want to know what the aliens main weakness is? WATER. Fucking water. Yes, water. Remember Ernest Scared Stupid? It was a ridiculous movie where monsters attack, and it turns out that they kill them with milk. Water is even more ridiculous. What is that?

And to REALLY give away the ending, the last 30 second confrontation with the alien is supposed to tie up all the loose ends and say "there's no coincidences". So, Mel's brother beats the alien with a bat because he's a former minor league baseball star with a bunch of home run records. There's a bunch of water glasses laying around the house because Mel's daughter only drinks 1 drink and leaves the rest of the glass laying around. The alien is the same one Mel encountered in the pantry with the knife... I'm sure you've seen previews of that one. So, after killing an alien, Mel decides that he believes in God again and takes up his old job as a reverand. That's probably exaclty what I would do after killing an alien, too.

This whole story is around lame flashbacks to Mel's wife dying. M Night shows up in this movie, again, as the guy who killed Mel's wife accidently. He's not really important to the plot except to say that he's moving to a lake because somehow he knows the aliens hate water.

But the thing I really hate about M. Night is his cocky fucking attitude. Yeah, he made the 6th Sense and that was a good movie. But 1 good movie followed by a mediocre one followed by a shitty one doesn't give him the right to put "M. Night Shyamalan's" on every single thing he does. Even Spielberg doesn't do that (much), and he's much more established with a much better track record than Night. And those DVDs. I love deleted scenes, but not when they're prefaced with a 30 minute discussion on why it was cut. Especially when the preface is given by a cocky director who talks all condescendingly (as if that's a word) like he's the best thing to ever happen to the movie industry.

I honestly hope that he never works again after this horrible piece of garbage. Jaimee asked me if I thought this was worse than Rollerball. Honestly, yes, I think it's worse. Rollerball didn't take itself seriously. It was a stupid movie, but it never tried to be anything great. Signs is a B movie that tries to be A and does a terrible job at it. You wanna make a movie with aliens invading Earth? Make Indepence Day II. Now that's a good idea.

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