So I just

So I just got back from a night on the town with Steph. Well, not really a night on the town, but whatever. We went to see Ocean's Eleven (very good, but what's with these remakes that are nothing like the original these days?), then out to grab something to eat. We hit Perkins as per usual.

Me and Steph are very similar in the relationship field, and our relationship discussions tend to dominate our conversations. Both of us have always been the person that people go to with their troubles in paradise, and both of us feel the need to fix things with other people a lot. We've both had our experiences which crashed and burned, and others that just sort of limped off and died. I think the results of everything above makes us very cautious of relationships, and very focused on the negative side. For example, I have a huge list of things I DON'T want in a relationship, and a relatively small list of what I do want.

Both of us are also horribly independent. I use the word "horribly", because I think that describes it well... we're independent to the point that it really isn't healthy for us. So many of our friends always need someone in their life, and feel like less of a person when that significant other isn't around. I hate that. I think that's lame. When one person goes, they hunt down a new one and settle for the first or second thing to come along. I've spent so much of my life proving that I don't need anyone that I really, truly don't need them. That's really a shame, because it's nice to need and be needed. Or I guess I imagine it would be nice.

Both Steph and I realize that we're simply not ready for a relationship. We're not ready for the strings attached to them. I can't speak for Steph, but I don't really feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time. I realize I screw things up, I realize I have plenty of faults and plenty of shortcomings that have resulted in the destruction of my relationships. I feel like I shouldn't enter another one until I sort those things out for myself. When I do sort them out, I will ultimately meet a girl who will show me how much I haven't sorted them out.

And ultimately, that girl will move on and leave me in the dust to wallow in my own retardism, thinking and rethinking when and how things went wrong, why it was my fault, and what to do last time. After that gets boring or after I feel like killing myself, whichever comes first, I'll change my train of thought and blame it on the other person for a few months. I'll sit there and do that until I come to one end all, be all for relationships. Fuck it, it ain't worth the trouble.

Of course, it absolutely is worth the trouble. I guess denying it is my way to deal with the fact that 1 of 3 things will happen to me, relationship-wise.

  1. I'll spend the rest of my life on this vicious cycle until I've convinced myself that relationships really aren't worth the trouble and I'll die alone.
  2. I'll spend the rest of my life on this vicious cycle until I've convinced myself that I'll never be ready/never be good enough for a relationship and I'll die alone.
  3. I'll go gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I guess that's that in a nutshell. I'm such a mess.

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