Tim: On the

Tim: On the effects on not working and instead sitting at home watching too much TV and dreaming of the job that he thinks he may have in the bag.

So, I've been battling off the 'ole depression bug for the past week or 2. I've had bouts of happiness, usually following the phone calls I get from Pudik, although I haven't received "the big one" yet, either giving me the job or turning me down.

It's a hard feeling to describe, this unemployed feeling. It's being completely directionless, unmotivated, unhappy, and yes, even a little worthless. Like I'm just taking up space and wasting time. Sure, I've been unemployed, or self employed, whatever you wanna call it, for over 2 years now with varying degrees of success. But even in my broke times, I wasn't completely unhappy. I felt like I was striving for something... at least TRYING for something. But not lately. I've done what I know how to do, and it's time to accept the fact that I failed at it. I couldn't make it work.

That's a depressing thought. Sure, I'm unemployed, living a day at a time, unable to spend money on anything of any worth, but then there's also the fact that I failed. I completely failed at making a business work. It's probably the first time that I really set my mind to something, had a specific goal in mind, and didn't reach it. I couldn't do it.

Excuse me for a second while I sound like a cocky son of a bitch.

I always thought I was born to do something with myself. I was born to make an impression... born to do great things, influence people. I thought I'd be successful at a young age. Maybe not a millionaire, but I thought people would know who I was. I don't even mean everyone... I mean the kind of guy that I used to look up to when I was a kid. Sure, everyone knows who Sam Raimi is now, but they didn't back when I fell in love with him at age 16 or so. When he was 20, he wrote and directed The Evil Dead, now looked at as one of the most influencial movies of all time and respected among industry pros. I thought I would do something like that... something that most people wouldn't give a shit about, ever, but that people who KNEW would KNOW I did it. I just want to have a credit to my name that people know. That's all I ever wanted. Either as an influencial comic book artist like Berni Wrightson or an influencial animator like Chuck Jones. I just thought I was destined to do something new.

And sure, there's time to be that guy. But every day that goes by that I'm not being that guy depresses me. Why aren't I that guy? And why aren't I trying to be? And in what field am I supposed to be "that guy"?

Anyway, it's a depressing time, I guess. I'm at an impasse and I don't know where I'm going, for the first time in my life. I've always had a direction, but I don't right now. And sure, I guess my potential job is a direction, and while I'll like the money, I don't think I'll like much else, and I'll just tell myself that I'm doing it "in the meantime". But in the meantime for what? What's next? And why haven't I accomplished nearly as much as I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 24?

I do like the idea of a full time job for the money's sake and for the sake of making my house payment and all, but I don't like the idea of being a faceless employee at a faceless company who, by contract, can never take credit for the work I do. But, if I keep my mind focused on the paycheck, maybe it'll be bareable. At least. And the artist inside of me is saying that every ounce of creativity, originality, and motivation to do my own thing will be sucked out by "the man".

I just don't know anymore, which, I guess, is sort of the issue at hand. I just don't know of anything, and I used to be so sure of myself and my life.

And my Jeep needs a new exhaust, and 1 tire leaks air like a motherfucker and I have to refill it every time I drive it. I used my spare a while back because I drove over a bolt. The tire now broke a belt, which makes it unrepairable. Which means I just have to fill it with air before I drive anywhere because I can't fix either tire and can't afford to replace 1 or both of them. It's frustrating that something so minor can be so devastating when you have absolutely no disposable income. Don't even ask about how I plan on repairing my exhaust leak, since it's been like 6 months and it's no more fixed now than it was when it started leaking. I plan on not fixing it, I guess.

Anyway, kids, it's just a bad, sad, lonely, boring, depressy time for yours truly at the moment. Hold tight. I'll be back to my old self soon, I hope.